Wow am I far behind. I didn't realize it until a few days ago. I have not blogged in 3 weeks. So, to make this easier I am going to split this blog into 3 different posts.

October Week 1

This week was a tough week on me. My mom called me in the whee hours of the morning on Wednesday telling me that my cousin Stephen had passed away. This came as a shock to me since he is only 21. Our families used to be really close and then we kind of grew apart. I don't even remember why. I think as we got older we just started to do different things. Anyway, so I told Jason that I wanted to head home for the funeral. We left after work on Thursday and started the trek home to Ohio/Indiana with all 5 of our furkids. We ran into traffic around State College which put us really far behind. We arrived on Friday morning around 3:00 - 3:30am. I knew my little sis was going to pick me up around 9:00 so I went straight to sleep. Obviously I didn't sleep much. Stac arrived around 9:00 and we headed out for breakfast. I was sick however I decided that it was worth it to visit my favorite hamburger spot Frisches. So, for breakfast I had a Big boy. Umm, was it tasty. I knew I couldn't last that long in the car so Stac and I timed our driving home to Indiana by the gas stations I could stop at. When I got to moms we sat and hung around just talking about how weird it was. How could someone so young die? And why? That evening we headed down to Jeff and Wanda's (Stephens parents, my aunt and uncles). It seemed everyone was there. Family from Cali, family from NY. We all had come together again. Danny and Bruce got out there guitars and started singing hymns. It was so nice and relaxing. Jeff and Wanda has not been to church in a while so it was nice to see Jeff getting together and singing again with everyone.

Saturday was the funeral. I HATE funerals so I was not excited to be there. Not to mention I seen my dad, whom I have not seen in a long time. Jeff was really having a tough time with Stephens death. He came up to me and my sis and told us to go and give dad a hug and tell him that we loved him. That was a really hard thing for me to do but I felt that I needed to for Jeff. Dad has never really loved Stacy and I. Our Christmas cards consist of him telling us "Love you, Eddie" Now why wouldn't a father call himself dad instead of Eddie? So the whole time he was telling us about how he bought a new house and was trying to be debt free. He can never ask us how we are doing. Seriously, he doesn't care. My sis has always had a time trying to make ammends so she ran off crying. I went off to be with her. The both of us have had such a hard time. Why doesn't he love us? Did we do something wrong? Why couldn't we have a normal life? So Stacy and I spent the rest of the funeral in the closet. I know that sound stupid but we found a closet and kind of sat and talked. The funeral was so tough because I've always thought, how would I feel if something happened to dad? Would I blame myself? Have I tried hard enough? I think this funeral was a wake up call for me. I'm spending so much of my time trying to make him love me. You can't make someone love you that cannot love. So, after speaking to many people about my situation I have decided to seek the help from a psychologist. My first appt is in a few weeks and I'm kind of nervous. However I think this is a healthy step for me. I need to do this for myself.

With all my crying I started to have problems breathing. More problems that normal. It was so hard that I started to have a panic attack. I was worried that I couldn't catch my breath. So, I'm also going to have some tests run. Hoping that I can finally get help with my breathing problems. My first appt isn't until Jan 2nd. I'm kind of nervous but also excited. How am I going to feel if I get this surgically corrected? What exactly would life be like if I could breath like a normal person? Imagine how I would love hiking even more than I do now. I could maybe fulfil my dream of hiking to the Everest base camp.

Ahhh.......